From the balancing game to boundless play

I have tried to seek balance most of my life. Er... I'm a Libra.

An astrologer once told me, "Most people think Librans are balanced. That is actually not the case! Librans spent most of their lives swinging the pendulum from one extreme to the other trying to find balance."

Or, perhaps I am an extremely diverse person with lots of interests and intentions.

Regardless, balance in my daily life and mind looks somewhat mundane, yet peaceful and simple.
In my heart, balance means living in joy without my day's or mind's parameters.

Ah, yes! That is what I seek! A life filled with joy without limitations!

If there were no tasks to get done, no schedule to adhere to, no places to be, or no outward obligations, then perhaps I could float from one joy to another without worry of seeking balance.

I so look forward to the collapsing of time.
                          The mind has created this funny thing called time.

Although it helps keep things "in order," it has become a ball and chain we allow ourselves to drag around and believe in its necessity.

Again and again, I have contemplated on how to release this ball and chain.

Ah, meditation! In the quietude of my soul, I have escaped the sands of time into the nothingness of bliss and eternity.

Dreamland also allows my soul to fly free and clear into other realms and dimensions.

Some, in this three dimensional, masculine, doing-oriented world might call me "lazy" or "dreamy" or far too idealistic.
                        
               Yes.

Though I believe in the value of work, I know in my heart the value of play...
         joyful, imaginative, creative, pointless, expressive, boundless play!

Yes, by being incarnated onto this earth, in this day and age, we have agreed to the "rules of the game."
We follow the "laws" of gravity, time, space, and have bought into the "reality" of duality.

And, as a new age unfolds, we are beginning to break those laws.

Or, perhaps more accurately, we are allowing our minds to release the perception of these laws and bring the reality of who we are into three dimensional focus for all to see... and - more importantly - for us to enjoy!

Rest and renewal

My day is growing tired.

The fullness of the week rested over the weekend, yet the tiredness is ready for a good night's sleep.

The tiredness is utterly human.  My spirit never tires - it always moves with expansions and contractions into eternity.  Always.  Resting is relative, I suppose.

But the body is subject to tiredness and needs rest and renewal.  Rest and renewal... rest and renewal.  Each and every night the same, though the amount of rest and renewal can vary.  My body may demand a certain amount, but it doesn't always get what it wants.  I do have to give in to the tiredness though.  No such thing as skipping sleep.  Putting it off, perhaps, but sleeping must come.

And then sleeping wears off, and a new day begins.  Always a new day.  Always more time for waking so I can see, interact and be in Life.  I guess I could choose not to interact, but that would require more effort than it implies.

So during my waking hours I try to create a Life of Joy, Love and Purpose.  My purpose.  What do I want to do with my time that fills me up with Life?

I fill, I do, I Love.

Then it is time for rest and renewal.

The present given to us by our children

"When am I going to get there", I wonder.

I have always been a "futurizer."  Since I was young, I have looked ahead, longed for what was to come, lived in the future.

My husband, on the other hand, has reminisced, regretted and spent much of his time living in the past.

Why is living in the present so difficult?  Is it so uncomfortable, or painful, or boring to simply be here now?

Ah, such strange behaviors we have taken on as adults.

And although many children talk about what they are going to be when they grow up, or relive precious memories, most of them are well planted in the present moment.

"What did you do at school today?" we ask at the dinner table.  The very young child can scarcely remember the activities of the schoolday; that was many, many moments ago. 

"Do we have school tomorrow?" the mid-youth asks.  The concept of weekends verses weekdays gets confusing, even though it has been consistent for us adults.  We often dredge through, make note of hump day, and rejoice with "Thank God it's Friday!"

But as children grow, the past or future become something to long for as the heaviness of responsibility and duty, right and wrong, and other cultural influences set in.

Do they have to set in?  Does growing up have to mean longing for not being in the moment?

The moment... the simple, evasive slice of time (which doesn't actually exist).  We can grasp it, make it last, or make it disappear.  Although it is evasive, it is truly all that exists in time... the one and only moment; the now.

So, as I look to the future with high hopes or worry, or while my husband dwells on the past, we are always welcomed to the moment by our children.  A present that is everlasting and precious indeed.

Surrendering to the heart of time and money

It's in these spaces of confusion and uncertainty that I try to seek "meaning."

What I'm I "supposed to" do?, I wonder.

What do you want to do?, I hear.

 Want?  I want the world!  My mind spins in and around wish lists that have been forming since I was a child.  Sure, I have outgrown some of the things I wanted in my youth, but there are certainly some things that have never changed. I want to live in opulence, contentment and joy!

So, why don't you?

I wish I could!

So, why don't you?

The frustration grows as my mind grasps at the other list... the one with all the reasons why I can't have those dear, sweet experiences in my life.

I don't have enough time or money! are the two things my mind has clumped together and turned into the greatest obstacle in the world.

Oh, I see.

I know I need more excuses! Sure, time and money are the biggies, but this didn't seem to be a good enough reason for lack, longing and such... so my mind digs deeper.

It searches, but all the other excuses seem piddly and really do tie into the two biggies. 

I just can't!  Life's not fair!, I insist.  Although I am alone, I feel the overwhelming desire to cross my arms, stomp my foot and plop down in a funk on the couch.

I hate being conscious enough to know I can no longer fool even myself.

Yet, the confusion reigns.  I am utterly wrapped into my mood of stubborn despair.

How can I live in opulence, contentment and joy with little or no time or money?

I hear laughter... a sweet laughter, I admit.

My heart knows I have already been doing so.  I whole-heartedly understand that opulence, contentment and joy are matters of perception.  I also know, though I try to avoid this truth at times, that time and money are also matters of perception.  All of these energies can be perceived, shifted and created into whatever I choose. 

Yet, I am also clear that there is a mass consciousness that - like the stubborn, forgetful me - believes otherwise.  This belief is so thick and sticky, it has gotten hold of many of us.  It has trapped us into a way of life and often results in suffering.

Ah, suffering.  I am not a stranger to suffering.  There are times I don't want to suffer, and life is simply hard.

Yes, life can be very hard. 

I am reassured that my perceptions aren't completely invalid.  I take a quiet, deep breath... a sigh of surrender, really.  I feel my shoulders drop a bit; my jaw softens.

The frown remains, but I am not as anxious to fight. What I realize is that my mind is still clenching the list of desires.  I still do want to have more time and money... especially the money because I believe it will buy me more time. 

I can be such a noble martyr.  My mind searches for the stories.  I have many to choose from; I can dare anyone to pick a theme and I could offer a rich, real story likely to put theirs to shame.  This game is getting old, however.  I'm bored to tears with my stories, though I do use them, as needed.  You know, those times that drama is the icing on the cake and your sweet tooth has become a craving out of control.

Yeah, those moments still happen.  I hear myself laughing now.

My reasonable mind simply wants an A to Z answer.  How can I make more time and money?

Spirit can't seem to reason with my irrational mind at this point.  It is caught in the sticky goo, trying to figure it all out. In fact, it assures me, if it figures it all out, it can sell it to others and then make lots of money off the answer!

My heart simply smiles.  It patiently waits for the conscious, wise me to return... to once again be centered in my heart where opulence, contentment and joy have been living all along. 

I hear more sweet laughter.  I have this funny feeling that my heart knows that time and money are living there, too.

Awakening... Forgetfullness... Life

Waking... waking... waking...

How can one awaken if in reality there is only the awakened state?

Sometimes I feel myself as a huge being of light with infinite wisdom.  Other times I am a struggling mother with a flabby belly and a messy home.

Of course, I know I am both... all.

Yet, the reality is that this reality is a tricky one.  It is so full of potential, that somehow I have created an entire story and made it real.  Wow!  Now that is powerful.

Yet, the truth is, I don't exactly remember how I did this.  Oh, yes, I know people claim to know the "secret," but I don't.  Well, I only have a vague memory of the plan, the workings, the so-called truth.

I have chosen to stay asleep to this, however, and I yearn to awaken.  Or do I?

Isn't this the glorious experience?  To know, but forget you know, and then try to remember?

In the meantime, I am learning to cherish the forgetfulness.  To laugh, to play, to be perfectly human.  Sometimes the mommy struggles, sometimes she soars.  Sometimes the belly squeezes itself into a tight pair of jeans, sometimes it is caressed with love and kindness.  Sometimes the house is messy and chaotic, sometimes it is the center of the Universe, filled with love and life and everything outside it disappears completely.

Hm.... a strange, yet fascinating experience full of air, water, earth and fire.  The elements of life itself. 

Am I awakening?  Maybe I have awakened.  I seem to know the basics.  Perhaps this is good enough.

Experiencing my human and ascended selves as parallel realities

Last night I decided to attend a group called "Psychics in Action."  The group, facilitated by Aureya Magdalen, MFT, gathers one evening per month and usually focuses on a theme. I attend sporadically; maybe two to three times per year.  Last night's theme - Trust - was the primary motivation behind my willingness to drive an hour to get there.

It was a good session and, in terms of how we approached Trust, completely different than I expected.

As usual, we were lead into an individually-focused meditation.  Over the decades of practicing guided visualization I have learned, 1) to drop into the desired state extremely fast, 2) to simply observe what unfolds, rather than try to force things to happen, and 3) to refrain from over-analyzing the images or thoughts that come to me.

Well, during last night's meditation, the latter skill was a bit more challenging than usual. The images I received were so "dark" and felt so "opposite" of me that it was almost shocking.  Thus, my judgments, questions and analyzing met the shock with a great desire for understanding.

Fortunately, I have been "deciphering" images and downloads for most of my life.  Within a short time, the information neutralized my perception of negativity.

Soon, we were lead to the end of the meditation and I found myself so deeply embedded into the Oneness, that leaving the altered state was excruciatingly difficult.  Explaining what I experienced is even more so, but I will certainly try.

When I entered the class, I was experiencing human joy from a personal heart space.  Overall, I have been quite happy with my life and yesterday's mood was bubbly and free.

When I shifted into the meditation, I went to Oneness immediately.  In fact, the transition was so speedy, I felt nauseous from the "ride up."  This, however, is a fairly typical experience for me. What I didn't realize at the time was I had ascended "higher" than I ever had before.  In fact, I merged so deeply into Oneness, that the experience of joy that we know here on earth had been transcended to pure neutrality.

It was a huge, clean and expanded experience.  I hadn't really noticed, but there were no feelings in this realm.

Coming back to earth, I actually remained in the neutrality of this Oneness and - upon arriving to my human form - felt the dissonance between my human bliss (from a personal heart space) and the expanded neutrality of Oneness.

In other words, it made my piddly human blissful state seem so irrelevant; almost empty.  This instantly saddened me, but I wasn't completely clear why at the time.  What I expressed to the group was a fragmented report on the density of the third dimension and it's beings.

What I didn't fully understand was that I was experiencing two parallel realities; my human self was grieving over the loss of the simplistic joy of my feelings and experiences, and my ascended self was infused with neutrality which translated into apathy toward my human life and all life forms.

The real irony was I knew that many of us prefer the ecstasy of the spiritual realm over the reality of three dimensional living, and here I was wishing to recapture my human bliss.

I realized how much I have loved living my regular life - even with all of its "imperfections." The contrast before and after the meditation was amazingly profound and so paradoxical. And although I was experiencing the overlaying of these two aspects, I saw how integrated I had become. 

Thankfully, after expressing the sadness I was experiencing, Aureya suggested a few tools to help me re-connect with my human heart.  I meditated, took some deep breaths, depressed the palm of my hand with my thumb and slowly merged the "two" experiences of me back into the moment.  This was not an easy task, and the ascended me remained activated to such a degree I could hardly understand the concept of a human heart.  I imagined and nearly felt the human love for my children, but it was more like a distant memory in some past life.

A variation of joy resumed, along with a massive download of information.  I knew this was a humanly and spiritually altering life change; I also knew that I'd probably never know exactly how or why.  Something major shifted within me.  A huge "piece" of Oneness came back with me. I knew it was for me and for humanity as a whole.

Today I am a bit more clear about what happened last night, but not fully.  Simultaneously, I am clueless about what is unfolding.  Regardless, I know I am grateful.

Who knows, I may even integrate this new information and experience into my practice.

Less lonely... excited for what's unfolding

We are waking up at such an incredible rate! This is very exciting!

This weekend, I spoke at the "Children of the New Earth" Conference in Sacramento. It was fairly well attended, considering it was it's first year. Seeing all the people - adults, children, teens - enthusiastically participating, volunteering, playing, presenting, communing and being fully present was heartwarming indeed.

Throughout my talk, I kept feeling the "higher" frequencies expanding in and around me. Whoosh! and I'd feel the dizziness and see other realms. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE washing through my beingness and in and out of my heart.

The most touching part for me, however, occurred when I was serving on the Educational panel. Here, amongst five other enlightened women and an audience of open hearts, I finally felt - for the FIRST TIME in my LIFE - that "we" were actually getting "there!" Or, actually, it felt like others had been able to see and trust the "new" vision, which had been part of my knowing for so long.

This isn't meant to be pretentious in any way... but I am having a hard time describing the feeling I experienced in non-dualistic words or anything like that...

The realization (or "Oh, my God" moment) that I was finally heard and people were finally getting me - well, not just "me", the little ol' Veronica on planet earth - the were resonating with me at a vibrational level.

I wanted to cry! They're awakening! They're really awakening! Oh my God! The deep loneliness that has been buried in my soul for so long felt as if it was going to be a long forgotten sadness someday soon!

Really? Is this real? I am excited, hopeful, and hesitantly waiting to see if it will actually be...